And So It Goes

When I said goodbye
I naively thought that
I would be free from you.
No. That is a lie.

When I said goodbye
I hoped that it would
break my heart
And I would grieve -
I'd cry a little
    or a lot
And then I would move on.

Yet.

Here I am
With the knowledge
that you're gone
But finding that
I have no pleasure
in relief
    or in despair.
I ache a little
And think of you often.
Too often if you must know.

You are so strange -
I cannot comprehend you.
The way you think,
    The way you feel.
I sometimes would pretend
that I could read you.
I liked to think I understood
Your thoughts, the way you acted.
But it was just a game, and
A game that I played poorly.

I wished you bad
But you were noble.
I wished you happy,
Content with all...
But you could never be.
I wished you loved me
Despite yourself.
But wishing was vain
and amounted to emptier times.

I am sorry
    for my lack of trust.
I am sorry
    for being wrong.
I am sorry
    that I wished you different
And so sorry
    that you're gone.